Things I enjoyed

• Though not particularly ‘dark skinned’, Jacob Elordi is well suited to the role of surly sweaty gigahunk.
• An unashamed fanfic quality which I found amusing. It honestly felt as if it had been dreamt up by a horny teenager on tumblr at points.

Things I didn’t enjoy

• The whole thing had a music video gloss which made the landscape feel incidental. It felt like a set not something the characters actually inahbited. Even when they were banging on the moors they didn’t seem to get muddy. This was a problem for me.
• Fundamentally, once you got past the visual glitz and knowingly executed tropes it felt completely emotionally empty. Given that it’s a film about the enduring power of passionate undying love this was also a major problem.

Things that intrigued me

• Jacob Elordi doing the same accent as Christian Bale in The Prestige.

Verdict

48 heaving bosoms out of 100